bittersweet

So here I am, table dancing. Well, I'm dancing on a table. Ok, it's a coffee table. Shut up.

Sigh! I photographed myself this morning in the room that is to be my new bigger, better work space - something that is incredibly exciting to me. I partially believe this room to have magical, super productivity-inducing properties. I partially believe that I am undeserving of this beautiful room. I have this picture in my head (you have the future-self picture, don't you?) where I'm fantastically talented, beautiful, and have this lovely workspace (not to mention adoring boyfriend) and everything is sunshine and light. Ok, even in my magic future-self picture, not every thing is sunshine and light, let's be realistic.

The past month has been really wonderful. The Etsy Dallas Spring Bash was a huge success. I was featured on two blogs and NBC.com. Yesterday, I woke up to my 100th sale on Etsy, a small milestone to be very proud of. I am proud. I also had my seventh weight watcher's meeting and have lost just about 15 pounds - another milestone to be proud of. I am proud. Today, I walked into this gorgeous room where I will spend all of my days drawing and sewing and creating and smiling. You'll come visit me as my future self and my hair will be perfect and i'll be so well dressed and I'll offer you tea in the garden and didn't i mention i made those 15 bags today and was invited to 25 news stores??? and by then, i will have learned how to properly maintain a blog.

So I took this photograph and I looked at it. and then I had a moment where present self began to look a lot like future self. it was confusing.

A professor of mine once spoke to me about the double-edged sword of knowledge; the more you learn, the more you realize you know nothing. Well, I learned a long time ago that I definitely didn't know anything and probably never would. I moved on. What I didn't realize was that this same trick attaches itself to most of your goals.

This room is so beautiful that I don't believe I deserve it. I still feel like a fraud. I have so far to go. So much to do and learn and make. I still have so many things I want to achieve. I've hardly done a thing.
And then there's the weight. I was thrilled when I lost 5 pounds. I almost cried when I lost 10. At 15, I'm in a bit of shock. Instead of being thrilled, I'm just... wow. When did I gain fifteen pounds to be lost? I'm baffled by the fact that a huge chunk of PERSON is missing from me. It's been such a short amount of time, I haven't been able to adjust or even comprehend.

This past week has overwhelmed and humbled. And then came today's migraine. I haven't had one since high school so I didn't recognize the blind spot immediately. Only after I was completely unable to read or write the text on the computer screen did I fully understand what was going on. Hours later, I still feel as though I've taken a bat to the head.

I know that part of me is thrilled about everything going on. I just need to let the shock wear off a bit. and maybe the headache. hang on, with me. and we'll get back to conquering the world. And I need to get a new picture of future self.

and you're welcome to call me melodramatic. i'll just say i'm honest.